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Lots of experienced cruisers have heard the
same “silly cruise questions” so many times that we have them memorized. But we
all need a smile from time to time so here are some questions posed to the ships
staff which are worth a chuckle....
Questions like “Does the crew sleep onboard?”
and “What is our elevation?” In fact, many so-called “silly questions” are
really logical concerns, but just posed in a somewhat clumsy manner.
I remember a time when I did not know whether the crew slept on board. It seemed
possible that the cruise ship could stop and drop them off at a dormitory every
night, or that most only came aboard to cook and clean when the ship was docked.
It isn’t a crime to phrase a question in a funny way, but it also isn’t a crime
to make fun of people – especially when the questions (or responses) are really
funny. So with that, we went looking for, real-life stupid passenger experiences
as told by crewmembers.
Room Steward Confessions
One room steward told me he couldn’t believe how often this one happens. Like
most stewards, he waits for his passengers to leave for dinner before he enters
to refresh the linens and turn down the bed. But some nights the people never
leave, so before he quits for the night he makes a point of checking in to see
if they need anything. When they answer the door he says:“I’m just about to head
downstairs, so do you mind if I come in and clean up?” To which he has gotten
the response, “Oh, is your shower broken? …. Um sure, you can use ours.”
Another room steward has been asked if he could fix the microwave in the cabin,
only to have the guest point to the room safe, which has a metal door and a
numbered keypad. Then there are the guests who know what a safe looks like – but
when they can’t lock it, rather than reading the simple instructions on how to
set a combination they ask the room steward "What's the combination for the
safe?" Why do they think the safe is there in the first place?
Room stewards often get this question: “Is that salt water in the toilets?” The
real answer is “no,” but the funnier reply is, “I don’t know, I never tasted
it.” The logical response that's never uttered is “Why do you want to know?”
If you say “none of the clothes I packed fit me anymore,” the best room stewards
are always ready with "it’s the humidity in the Caribbean, it shrinks
everything." It isn’t that you gained five pounds.
Here is another common one: Once he told a passenger most of the crew was
scheduled to go on vacation in a few weeks. The guest replied, “Well I’m sure
glad we cruised now. I couldn’t manage a without the help on board.”
Waiters
All food servers have their stories, but cruise ship waiters have a unique one:
They are always asked if the fish is fresh -- but in truth almost all fish on
cruise ships and even land-based restaurants comes frozen because you can’t keep
fish truly fresh for more than a few hours. But invariably another passenger
will reply for the waiter, “Of course it’s fresh, we’re on a boat!”
As former cruise ship comedian Jimmy Dunn points out in his book about leaving
ship life, Boat Hack, “I have never seen a crewmember on deck with a fishing
pole, pulling in fish and saying ‘here’s your dinner!'”
Shore Excursions
Shore tour managers get some of the silliest questions, like “Will I need my
bathing suit?” for a snorkel tour. A surprisingly common one is, “Do you allow
water skiing off the back of the boat?” Even if he could get started a
professional skier might manage to stay up for a few minutes but once he fell
down it would take the cruise ship about two miles and 30 minutes to make a
U-turn and pick him up again.
One shore excursion manager taking a group of people to the ballet was asked
what language it would be in. Another person asked why ancient ruins are always
found “underground” (because any settlements not hidden away have been ransacked
over the years). One tour guide at the Acropolis in Athens said he has been
asked if any local sects still worship Apollo.
Guest Services
The workers at guest services, also known as the purser’s desk, get the most
abuse, because that is where people bring complaints. So a good silly question
can make their day, the hard part is keeping a straight face.
Far too many angry passengers bring them ship’s brochures containing photos of
staterooms taken with a fish-eye lens -- which makes them appear much bigger
than in real life. They expected a much larger room, despite the fact that exact
room sizes are always given in cruise brochures.
Some people want to switch to a different room because all they can see is a
parking lot and they bought an “ocean-view.” In fact, “which side of the ship is
best” for any given cruise is one of the most common questions heard by travel
agents. There is no easy answer, because a ship can dock on either side and it
depends on a number of factors that can change at any time.
Some people will point out a certain activity on the ship's daily schedule and
ask, “It says it takes place on Deck Five Forward, but which Deck Five is
“forward?” Then there is “I know I’m on deck five, but which way is forward?”
The trick is to look out the window and see which way the water is flowing.
Speaking of forward, that is where the ship’s bridge (steering control room) is
always located, and the navigational officers have their sleeping quarters
directly behind it. One guest services person told a loyal repeat cruiser
looking for the captain that “the captain is forward in his quarters.” The
properly shocked lady replied, “Young lady, that’s none of my business.”
And finally - Questions You Should Never Ask:
To the crew: “Do you get to eat the leftovers from dinner?” No, it isn’t the
kind of cuisine they like, and unless the food is completely untouched, eating
“leftovers” from other people is gross.
“Do you get paid in your own currency?” No, Russian rubles don’t go very far in
Puerto Rico.
“Does your family ever come and stay with you?” No, guests are not allowed to
come and stay on the crew deck.
And finally, the one question every crewmember has gotten at least once and
cannot stand:
“So, what do you do for a real job?”
Contributed by Paul Motter is the editor of CruiseMates.com, an online cruise
guide. Follow him on Twitter @cruisemates. |
